Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

oh my gosh!!

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.