I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*