[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.