Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

What do you hear?

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon