Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.