Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

😭😭😭

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”