Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

Sometimes? I’m slipping

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food