I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
You Might Also Like
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.