Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own