Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.