Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.