Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

I can’t stop watching this.

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]