I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Green is just blue that someone peed in
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
