I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I need this for my side hustle.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware