I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.