I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
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[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
LA today:
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..