Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes