I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Okey dokey.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
they split up moments later
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
That time Alicia messaged me
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.
The charge is wreckless driving.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.