i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
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“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Dune (2021)
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.