i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
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If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
The cashier just checked me out.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
#merica
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow