i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
You Might Also Like
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday