I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
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WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.