I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?