Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.