Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?