Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.