Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.