I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
You Might Also Like
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Unimpressed
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies