Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

You better watch out

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.