Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview