I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
they really do be looking like this
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
huge if true: the moon
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.