I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.