Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.