I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.