I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
You Might Also Like
My love language is deader than Latin
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Holy moly
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz