I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.