Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

Seals are just dog mermaids.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.