I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
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me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”