me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster
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This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Egg drop soup
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there
Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.