@ThyArtIsMemes

I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster

You Might Also Like

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@michelleisawolf

This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.

@LizHackett

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

@Holy_Mowgli

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

@JennnQuinn

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

@prufrockluvsong

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

@P1LoveChild

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

@KenJennings

Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there

@KKAlThani

Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you’re just grateful they’re not yours.