I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
my one true gender
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar