I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I never know how much to tip a cow.