I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
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when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.