I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
After 35, your body ages in dog years