I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.