I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet