I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Can’t. Being lazy.
You were the one.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me