I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).