I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Not messing around
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Stop sending me this shit.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people