I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Wolves should really raise more people.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.