Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.