I am crying
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.