“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
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The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Hmmmmmmm….
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
listen closely
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
is this a warning or an offer?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.