“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
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Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that