“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
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people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
become ungovernable
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.