I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
You Might Also Like
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.