I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
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Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Labreador
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Bloody internet 😳
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Meeeee too!
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.