I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
what’s more important?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.