Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Dyslexics are teople poo!

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.