I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
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I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Meme Monday.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.