Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Me trying to walk in a dream

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.