I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
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Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat