Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

that de-escalated quickly

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

My guardian angel deserves a raise

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt