i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again


Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long


I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…


Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.


OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail


cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”


ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader