@dril

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

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@wgkcss

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

@sgeezy99

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast ๐Ÿ™‚ so far Iโ€™ve had zero birthday breakfasts ๐Ÿ™‚ and two Blu-ray players robbed ๐Ÿ™‚

@ankles_so_weak

Angel: what’s that thing for?

God: that’s the uterus. It carries life

Angel: oh nice. so it just hangs out quietly for years until there’s a baby in it?

God: lol no

@TuSoonShakur

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

@Browtweaten

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

@beefman138

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

@aissalanis

Hello and welcome to our โ€œhelp! my toddler wonโ€™t stop crying because I wouldnโ€™t let her nap with a slice of cheeseโ€ support group, thereโ€™s free coffee in the back.