i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
You Might Also Like
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
🔦🌙👣
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE