i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
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Don’t tell me what to do
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY