“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
What about second breakfast?
I have never related to anyone more.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric