I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
