I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
