I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
