I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Every work call, he judges.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
can’t catch a break
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes