Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

No point crayon over spilled milk.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

No flush

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.