Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.