I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
guys i’ve cracked the code
channeling her this year
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah