I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”