I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
me before I type out affect or effect
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so