I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
You Might Also Like
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine